Recent Event?
Sunday, April 28, 2002
-_-
....i'm sitting in an airport on this little internet terminal trying to stay awake somehow so i don't pass out on the keyboard and use up the rest of my time...oi, i'm going to go sleep in a chair...i'll tell you guys about my trip later after i get home and get some real sleep....
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
=^_^=
whee! i'm leaving super soon to cali for a few days....i'll be back soon, and i'll post and tell you guys about it....^_^ .....let's see...from about...right now or so, it's a little over 3 hours till i need to be at the airport, and i still need to pick up my friend and go to this honors ceremony (for people who have over a 3.5 GPA) before i go down to the airport....so i'll see you all in a little ^_^
Monday, April 22, 2002
......=/
....i don't like my last post...i think it sounds well...crappy....so just sorta ignore it...since when i started this blog i promised myself i would not delete anything that i wrote unless i was in danger because of it....
and sometimes i wish i could just vanish once and for all......
....i wish they would stop it....i hear what they say to me, i hear the questions that they ask me, and it's not like they have to hurt me just with the questions that they ask, but they have to hurt me with the awnser too...and they make it even worse without knowing it when i don't know the awnser, when i don't know what i should say...i know the truth behind it, but i have to work between what the truth is, what i "should" say to keep my image up, and what the 'rents think to keep up that part of my mask...you know, i thought it would be an easy question to awnser...."do you cut yourself for pleasure?" ...well what my brain said right away was "i don't even cut myself anymore you (insert curse of choice in language of choice here)....but i know they don't care what i say to them...so then the truth comes up into my mind...and dammit, after a day of not allowing yourself to feel to keep yourself in check, an afternoon of floating into some music (and that would usually set everything perfectly back into place...but it sorta made things worse....) and an evening of being nervous at first (band concert...i play french horn...we had to perform infront of 500+ people) then feeling like you'll never belong because you don't believe what everyone else believes (....i don't know how to explain what happened there...) and then having a really long deep talk about how i used to feel (why i ....wore my mask, hid everything from everyone, why i cut myself up, ect.)....that question just sent me into that place where i have to pretend that i'm ok to everyone for awhile, until i can get back into my room and curl up and hide from all the world.... and i haven't had to protect myself like that for awhile, i used to be safe just wearing my mask that no one could break through, and no one would know anything about how i really was...and now i'm learning how to be a little bit more normal and not have to be constantly ready to protect myself, i'm even starting to get to the point where i can act myself around my friends....someday i'll never have to wear my mask....but why did they ask anyway, those b*tches...oh well, i don't need to worry about it, they don't even know what really has happened or how i feel about anything, and i care nothing about them, because if i was strong enough to survive before, i can do it now....
Sunday, April 07, 2002
>.<
.....i hate being sick....i hate waking up after two hours of restless sleep at three in the morning with a really bad fever and my teeth chattering because i feel cold....i hate being like that for about an hour....i hate waking up at 5 30 with a fever of 103....i hate doing nothing all day because i can't get out of bed without falling over...i hate feeling like i'm freezing all the time...i hate throwing up my meds and my breakfast...i hate how i feel right now...i feel like shit....and i hate it =(
Friday, April 05, 2002
coke.....(haha, not the drug, it's to expensive for me =P)
ah, there are somedays when i hate science class with a passion, but there are some days, damn rare days, but still some special special days where i love it......like today. we're making water rockets, and she says our hw is to bring in two 2L bottles of soda....so this morning i brought in three (an extra for my friend) and i had to drink all the coke inside (i didn't get to drink it after i picked it up last night....) and i drank about well....7/8ths..? of the bottle...i felt really good all day...and at the dance tonight where i got to dance on a table most of the night..^_^
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
=/
dammit...what the fuck is wrong with me.....why can't i make leaf happy....i try so hard, i do what she wants from me and still she says that something is wrong...i hate it i hate it i hate it....but i can't say anything about how i feel or i'll hurt her, and i can't hold it in, so when i'm home alone i end up screaming and throwing ice cubes at the shower wall and i know it's not good for me to take care of how i feel like that, but dammit....what more should i do to make her happy....i don't think dolphin will ever be completely happy with me, but i think i've given up on making him happy awhile ago...i tried so hard, i kept everything under control, i was their perfect little girl, i was everything that they wanted and i had to go and fuck it up...i tried my best, i really did....but they always said that everyone is human on the inside and that i could be whatever i wanted to be when i grew up, but the one time i try to be different, the one time i try to dress in something i'm comfy in, they say that that is a bad thing to be, that being a little more morbid and a little darker than everyone else is wrong....so i try and be their perfect little girl for awhile but it hurts me so damn bad....and then they found out about my si behavior....and all the other shit that was going on at school that makes me want to keep up my mask....goddess knows if i could let go of that damn security blanket that my mask acts as i would be so much more me i guess....be able to say and act how i really want to act...but not now, not here, not while some of my peers are still so young inside....but someday, i'll be ok, right...? i won't have to act perfect forever....
well....so.....
this week is going to be long....i've been dragging myself through the first two days, and i'm not holding out much hope at all for the rest of the week....i don't know why, but i've been really sad....not stressed mind you, i can mostly handel all of the work i'm gonna have to do this month, but sad.....like back in the days when i was cutting my arm and just about anywhere where people wouldn't see....lol, i learned that people are pretty curious, so i also learned to hide everything...well, hide everything better than i had been doing....i think it's just because it's almost been a year since i started cutting...(all the way back in the beginning of april....i've stopped now, but some of the lines are still there....)...so around this time i get reminded of everything that i felt then...every emotion, every movement, every thought i had about ending it or just hacking my body apart with my little wallpaper cutter...my coping skills wern't there.....and even now they don't show themselves very often....i'm feeling better, but still....it's hard to be really happy...i can be hyper, yeah, and i pass that off as being happy, but it's not the same....now that i've been happy a few times, like really truly happy....i want to feel that agian, i want to be like that all the time....i know that's how i should feel all the time, but i just can't seem to be that way.....maybe i'm just too attached to my mask to let myself go and feel how i want to feel....? i'm getting better about it, but most of the time....i have to keep it up, i don't want to know how school would feel without it, i don't want to really know how life would feel without it, and i just want to be able to keep the mirage up for just a little longer, maybe i'll be able to end school without it, maybe i'll be able to let my mask drop sooner than later....finally be able to show how i really feel, to show what i really think, and live up to my full potential....get better grades, stay off my dear healing internet more, use that stuff that's up in my head and put it to use....but all that's still a dream, i've got my mask held tight onto my face and once agian, i'm not working on my homework when i should be....dammit, why can't i do this....i know i can, but something is stopping me...
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