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Friday, May 31, 2002
my back peeled in the shape of africa....!
it was cool....it really looked like africa...! today was pretty good.....yesterday was fun....kelsea and i went and saw the new guy.....tuesday was fun with going out on kelsea's 'rents boat to lanai....the last few days have been pretty good.....something happened tuesday night though...i was going to write a really long post about it, but then i cried in the shower for about 45 minutes about everything....and when i got back out, i went to sleep.....so when i woke up, i didn't really remember why i was crying in the first place....ooh, now it's friday...!
Thursday, May 30, 2002
to go along with my friends......
Click here to take the test!
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>
(hmmm........maybe i should try posting quiz results more often.....?)
breakfast
milk has ice in it.
microwaving pop-tarts fun.
need to eat with fork.
(our fridge is too cold so the milk half-froze, i didn't want to get out the hellokitty toster, so i stuck my poptarts in the microwave, and this haiku and melted poptarts were the result. enjoy.)
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Monday, May 27, 2002
Sunday, May 26, 2002
Friday, May 24, 2002
feet.....?
there is a sock in my room.
it is black and long.
it is not my sock.
why is it in my room?
i do not know.
i think i will use it.
ah, joys of a new hairband.
Thursday, May 23, 2002
.......?
.......eh......*sigh* .....summer is here....but it still dosn't feel like summer....too many unresolved issues....
=(
well.....i don't really feel like posting...but i know i should....well, at least before i get random text messages on my phone telling me to post agian (kelsea.....) .....it's so odd....i have a lot of stuff that i want to write about...a shitload of stuff that i want to write about...but.....i don't know.....i don't think i should write about it just because....well....i should talk to the person first i guess....but i don't want to....i like my mask sometimes, i really do...so we'll see what happens....not that it matters anyway.....
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
the molesting tree.......!
.....but enough about things that matter.....now on to what i did today...! so after i got up and all that, i went over to her house along with her and pearl.....we did study...some....and i understood more of the really super old math...and spanish is as easy as having a crack in your ass, so no worries....=P.....hehehe.....then we went down to the store and bought those little wax juice things, drank the juice in them, and sat around throwing wax into the road and watching cars run over them....hehe, we were bored...and it was fun...i tried to hitch hike, but my shirt had sleeves, so no one picked us up....=/ ....hehehe... so i guess today wasn't all bad....it was nice to hang out with them....so i guess everything is....ok =)
(yes, normally i'd post this in other blog...but since no one really knows about it, and i'm really not in the mood to go into it and all that stuff, i'm just gonna put it in here.....normal programming will return soon!)
well.....so today i've been thinking about [blank]....a lot...a lot more than i should at least...i can't believe i let [blank] do that to me....and i can't believe that i was stupid enough in the first place to let it happen.....but i refuse to cry at all about [blank]....because if i do cry about [blank], it will show that i care about [blank] more than i should.....and i....don't care about [blank] more than i should, because if i did, i would know, right? ...and anyway....it's in the past....i just wish i had ended the school year on a bit of a higher note....it was pretty high up there....but it just still seems so unfinished....i guess because of [blank]....course it's not [blank]'s fault.....but.....well....anyway, i guess the point of this post is that ashi is sad about something is her fault.....that's not a very good reason to post, is it...=/
Sunday, May 19, 2002
quickly, hyperactive moth techie girls,in the moth-mo-bile and to the mothcave!
and what have i been doing all weekend, and why am i linked so many times in her blog? ....are just some of the questions you may be asking....well, to sum it up.... she and i worked the tech on the one acts on thursday (rehersal), saturday, and twice on sunday....and one of the shows (first sunday show) we didn't even get to reherse ever, and we had to step in last minute to fill in for someone else....but that's ok, because it was fun and we got lots more respect now in the school's theater community...^_^....and what else did i do when i was off duty...? well, if hotaru didn't already explain it enough in her last few posts....saturday i went to my rite of passage....and cried so much...everytime it was time for one of my friends to go.....people kept passing kleenex to me....and then we had the one acts....and then i went over to hotaru's...and then we watched lots of angelic layer on saturday and sunday...^_^ .....and then after the one acts i came home...and now i do my math review sheets and review for my english final....ooh, yes.....good dance remix on radio...i post more later, must dance now...^_^
Friday, May 17, 2002
blues clues.....!
ok...since people want to see my 'secret' blog, and everyone else does clues and such....i'm having "ashi's clues!"
first clue is....food
second clue is....white (and don't think it's that....sicko..hehe)
third clue is...yummy
....now sit down in your thinking chair and think, think think....
still don't know....? well....one more clue won't hurt
fourth (extra) clue is.....fish
^_^!!
so...as Hotaru was talking about.....we had this totally random dance party thing in the parking lot...this senior pulled my entire grade out of this thing ms. huff was having us do...and said something like "you have to all come, now!" ...so we all walk outside, and hear this fire alarm going off in the upper school...so half us think fire drill...and the rest of everyone..? "what the fuck is going on...?" ....so we're standing infront of upper school, and people are climbing out of the 2nd story to stand down in the courtyard....and everyone is hyper and the seniors are dressed up sorta...and this truck pulls right infront of the entire crowd, with hudge sound equipment in the back...and they just randomly blast music....^_^ ..so we had this totally random dance thing....and i had fun....yay...! so today was pretty good....science final was....pretty easy, oddly....i was done first in my section...not that it matters, but yeah....so the teacher set me on a secret mission...hehe...and then when i came back...she said goodbye to me and gave me a hug....since i only have one more class with her....she looked so sad...=/.....*walks over to kitchen to get something to eat before her tummy rips itself in half* *attempts to make these frozen dumpling things by cooking them in hot oil* ......mmm...yummy! ....and about the secret blog thing...i've had one for awhile...hehe =P
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
eh....
no...i didn't stay home today....the last post i just posted before i had to go to school...and i have no idea why i'm writing this...i'm just sitting here in the computer lab as school tryping away...here with everyone else and the sounds of the clicking of keys...it sorta reminds me...of this one time i was in the lab, writing poetry...just sitting here during lunch block....damn....the computer lab teacher person just turned the air contidioner off and it scared the shit outta me...i guess i just get really used to that hum...so calming...oh, i think i did ok on my history final..^_^ so happy....but i forgot that we had to fill out and then turn in the review sheet...^_^;; ....i did half of it, but now i have to fill out the rest tonight...oh well.....i'm really nervous about friday and saturday....but more so saturday just because it's the right of passage...it's sorta like a graduation, i guess..but different....you have to have one of your family members speak for about a minute about you...my mom wrote this poem, and my dad's gonnna say it....it's about me...and last night, my mom came into my room and read it to me, and in the middle of it, she started crying, and so did i....and i dunno...it was just sappy i guess...they really do love me i think.....no matter how many times i fuck up and let them down...they still do love me...=) so i guess the last few days haven't been that bad....i've had worse, eh? ......i do not like 6th....er, 7th graders right now....so annoying, thinking that they really do matter...and well, yeah, everyone does matter, but....the're just so full of pride...i don't know, i guess i just can't identify with it or something....i wonder what kelsea and hotaru are writing...the're sitting on either side of me typing away too...it's so weird...we're all typing pretty fast, and the keyclicks all sound different...like some odd twisted song =P ....i'm just rambling....maybe i should stop...eh! hotaru clicked with the mouse! i'm scared now.... i guess she's done with whatever she was writing/typing....time to look at her screen.....! i think she posted/edited her blog....i'll check when i get home...well, whenever i get home....mom is taking me somewhere after school today to get me something to wear for saturday...i'll bet she'll start crying and so will my dad...and... i'll start crying whenever it's about my friends and i'll.....i dunno, be happy that we finally managed to make it past all of this....thank goddess it's all over....if only....if only is a wish too late.......
not so random lyrics....
strike me down
give me everything you've got
strike me down
i'll be everything i'm not
count the questions on one hand you don't ask me what i planned
strike me down
should have asked me what went wrong
strike me down
should have stayed away too long
strike me down
give it everything you've got
chance me now i'll be everything i'm not
hope's the child of what luck brings
points the faith in higher things
ask me now fire at everything at once
strike me down
take it anyway you want
strike me down
better left it all unknown
strike me down
should have left it all alone
wash the questions off my hands
i'm the fate in no-one plans
strike me down
give it everything you've got
strike me down
i'll be everything i'm not
(Sneaker Pimps - Lightning Field)
how i <3 this song.....i've listened to it lots before....maybe i should listen to it a little now?
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
i long for that stale air
that quiet, ever running hum...
that they try and tune out with a sound system....
the sound system could never cover it up...
because, really, people like that hum..
reminds them that the're still alive
not about to fall out of that mock-orbit
buring as they reach the ground
back to their mother, the earth...
mother's arms don't wish to welcome them
try and push them away...
almost like some real mothers
almost not like other mothers...
family...is blood really thicker than water...?
of course, but not always
not thicker than ice...
solid, cold, ice that chills within you
sometimes cold enough to burn you
leave a scar...both on your heart and in your mind
like a friend...their memories mixed with yours
imprinted in
not to be lost
not to melt like the ice
once it escapes it's prision to join the world
to fly free, like we wish to do
but we don't wish to loose those memories
which we will...
if we fall to earth...
(eh, odd freewrite....i guess brought on by odd sleeping/eating over the last few days and stress from finals...night?)
......and....
and since i've wanted one for awhile, and i got a request to put one up....i have a comment system now....^_^!
gather round little ones, it's story time.....
The demons
how they scream into my mind....
it hurts, why can’t they leave me alone
everyday i wake up knowing it’s going to be
another day where i fail completely
that i can’t do anything right,
that i’m just a pile of shit,
on this perfect lawn.
the tears,
how they pour down in my mind,
behind the masks,
not daring to be seen by the world,
pretending,
a puppet of
them
the voices that scream out at me....
the joker, the jester
the one who is control of her life
if only they knew how much was broken inside of me,
how everything is falling apart
i know i won’t live long....
who could live under this?
the people haunt me in my dreams
i only wish that i could scream out someday.
the blood that flows from the cuts
the perfectly straight lines,
made by my own hands....
adding to the lies that i tell to everyone,
and myself
i must save myself,
i’ve tried to die three times now,
but i must live
not for myself, for the others around me
i will live for them,
but i won’t let them see
they must think that i’m fine,
that nothing is ever wrong
and when i save myself,
they won’t know, they will never know
i will be strong for them all.
i wrote that....9 months ago....sometimes, i even amaze myself with how much i've improved....(i'll post something with better content later on tonight, i promise....just right now i was reflecting on the past....but i should go back to studing for finals...wish me luck!)
Saturday, May 11, 2002
well.....
well it's over and passed, and now my 'rents are free from all that work...(well, only sorta...the're still there right now working =/)..i was so worried about them today...they we're always working for someone who didn't show up, or for someone on break, or running around keeping everyone calm, or doing amazing things that most people don't think are possible by normal people because of their lack of understanding...everyone's lack of understanding...my lack of understanding...my lack of self esteem....
anyway....my post isn't really about craft fair, just because i've been standing and working on it all day, so it's not really welcome in my life at the moment.....my post is really more about getting a seprate private, password procected blog or something....do you guys think i should...? because first of all, no one reads most of my blog...2nd, because it would keep me so much safer and do something better for me than throw ice cubes at shower walls....3rd, i could write everything that i want to say, that in here i can't because for some reason i've decided to edit myself and i won't allow myself to type what i want to type....eh, maybe i just need to accept things about myself, and stop lying to myself about what i feel inside and how i should feel and how well i'm keeping up my mask, and how well i'm putting down my mask, and.....damn, phone rang....there went my thoughts.
.....but on to a new one....wtf has happed to me...? i used to do so fucking well in math....and now i got a 31/45 on a damn erb (standerdized test form)? yeah, so what if the highest grade was a 35/45, and it's going to be a curve grade....it still means i'm not good enough...i'll never get honors classes like this...even if i don't need them for what i want to do in college....i'm set with bio honors and spanish 2 honors....but i don't give a shit about either of those classes...i can get an a in those classes when i'm mostly asleep half the class, and i don 't know how the hell i can do so well in the classes that i don't need at all! ....i don't like being forced into this school by my rents..i don't like not having a choice of where i would like to go to school...why do they insist on paying more for an education that i'll only half use....but you know, it makes them happy, and since i can't do that with my grades (well, the're happy with them, but i'm not) and i can't show my real persona around them, i might as well pull through with this for them...if only to see them happy...but they never seem to be anymore....they wern't really happy when i was little either...they would yell a lot more..not always at each other, mostly about the buisness, but.....but still....i shouldn't complain. i have a really good life, and i should understand my parents point of view so i understand why they are/are not happy with me and so then i can fix that....but even when i do something pretty amazing i've found out that it usually dosn't make them happy...so i stop telling them, and then they don't ask, and then....well, we've drifted even farther apart once agian...it's not like i even get to see them that often anyway....i see my mom...maybe, 3-4 times a day and i see my dad 1-2 times a day when he's not super busy with work....it's all about the work for them...they don't even really like to leave the house or else they get too behind on the work....and because of that they never have any fun...i wish i could make it better for them, i really really do...i care about them a lot...i understand that i can't make them happy all the time, and i can't fix really anything for them...but damn...trying to make them happy makes me feel a bunch less like a fuck up....neh.....
Thursday, May 09, 2002
so...
hey...since some people have been asking me to update more often (hey, i try!)....i've decided to write a little tonight....eh....i hate craft fair. i don't care how much fucking money it makes for the people who can't pay....(well maybe i do, but that's not the point of my little rant ^_^;;;;)...it's fucked up stuff so much....not that it wasn't already pretty messed with to begin with....but oh how i'd love for it to go away....my 'rents don't need extra stress...i can't take care of them like i am now...and being sick along with that...i don't want to give them whatever the fuck i have...dammit....why the hell does my immune system have to fail me like this...dammit dammit dammit.....eh...the're home agian....time to go cook something for them and then do my homework...
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
^.^
whee...! sorry i didn't post sooner...but the convention in cali was super super fun ^_^ i met lots of nice people and got to do some cool stuff ^_^ i had a great time being off the pebble, and i stayed pretty unajusted to the time change..it's only 3 hours, so not too bad, but it's still a time shift,and that can be a pain in the ass sometimes....
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